Tag: emotional abuse recovery (Page 1 of 4)

Blog Book Title

The new book about my life-enhancing journey through what I used to consider narcissistic abuse needed a magnetic title. Readers who had accompanied me on that relationship ride via my blog would likely have strong title suggestions. I thought, why not hold another contest?

Well, for starters, I created massive confusion.

“Why are you renaming the book?” asked a plethora of readers and friends. The name Love Without Traffic, which I couldn’t love more, had arrived during my first contest. I repeatedly explained that I wasn’t renaming the novel. The contest was for a new book!

“But why are you publishing another book before Love Without Traffic?” Many had been encouraging me to turn the blog into a book for several years but had been awaiting the novel even longer.

The answer to the book order question could inspire its very own book. Suffice to say for now, the blog let me know in no uncertain terms that it was ready to become a book immediately. It then presented a very convincing case for why it had to launch first.

Despite the confusing start, the contest got off to a really fun start. I was grateful that an eventual voting process would decide between the creative, deep, and catchy title suggestions that were rolling in. I could never have chosen between them myself.

Just as the contest momentum was starting to build, I went to Long Island for my nephew’s beautiful wedding, which turned into a much longer stay in New York than I’d anticipated.

“How’s the new book coming along?” a friend asked the night before I finally left New York. What new book? That exaggeration is only ever so slight. I’d done next to nothing with it in during those seven weeks.

I was beyond grateful to share time with cherished family and friends, yet oversummering with nonstop gatherings and activities and the frenetic energy of New York did not mix well with my ability to focus.

I grew up on Long Island and lived there until 2017, but we have both changed a lot since then. I’m now more accustomed to peaceful, slow-paced places like the ancient vortex mountains of North Carolina and the relaxing gulf coast of Florida. A catsitting gig in an area of Long Island people pay millions of dollars to live in had me thinking you couldn’t pay me millions to live there. Even the days spent oceanfront in my former community felt busy, bordering on intense.

In case that wasn’t enough to take me off my creative game, six planets retrograded at once.

As I rebounded in the mountains of Viriginia, a pitstop on my way to bask in the autumnal foliage magic and high vibes in WNC, I contacted my cover designer to let her know I was finally ready to move forward. This friend graciously told me there were a few things she needed before she could move forward – like a title.

Oh my! The contest! Okay, let me go apologize to everyone for falling off the face of the planet after they’d taken the time to share such fabulous suggestions, and I’ll get that contest cranking again.

As I began to write my “Sorry I got Moby Dicked by New York” post, it dawned on me that I got spit back out of the beast about six weeks too late to run the contest the way I’d envisioned. And since I was starting with an ebook and wouldn’t have the luxury of a back cover description, I realized the title needed to be simple. It also had to provide the gist of what a reader could expect.

After being led through a powerful guided meditation on the book’s path by Cheryl Ward, an amazing mentor I’d recently reconnected with, I sat to write this post. As I wrote the second sentence, I realized I had just written the title: The Relationship Ride!

Not only did this more fully encompass the blog, but “ride” also perfectly fit my cover image and the surfing theme that is interwoven into the book. I realized the book already knew what its title was all along; it just wanted me to catch it.

Thank you so much to those who joined the contest and contributed such great titles. There will be many more books, and I will get the next contest started early enough to see it through!

In the interim, you’re all invited to be part of my launch team which will grant access to the books before they are released to the public as well as special exclusive bonuses.

Keep that creativity flowing and stay tuned!

Join the launch team and/or read sample excerpts from The Relationship Ride here:

Blog Book Excerpts

Stop Narcattacks In Their Tracks

How do you respond when a narcissist or other angry person assaults you with judgement, blame, criticisms and accusations? Most partners of narcissists unknowingly react in ways that invite even more narcissistic abuse. What if there was a better way to respond – one with the potential to stop the attack in its tracks? 

Most people react to narcattacks in one of two ways: by defending themselves or fighting back. Neither strategy is effective.

A self-appointed Jury Of One narcissist will always find you guilty, no matter what evidence you present to the contrary. The more you defend yourself, the more you’ll be accused of!

If you fight back, you give the narcissistic a hit of “supply” – the energy that they unconsciously seek when they attack.

Watching you come undone reinforces their false sense of power, and invites more of the behavior your are defending against and fighting. 

So what’s the best way to respond? 

When you find yourself about to defend yourself or fight back (or as soon as you catch yourself), respond in a new way.

Some of the ones that have worked best for me and my clients have been statements that honored the way the narcissist was feeling but disagreed with their judgement/criticism/accusation etc. Do so with as little emotion as possible. The drier your delivery, the better this will work. Save the emotion for people who can support you with it.

Here are some examples:

“Thank you for letting me know how you see me/this situation and feel.”
“I don’t share your opinion of me, but I understand that if I was you, I might see me that way also.”

 

“You are free to see me (and/or my actions) however you want.”“I don’t see myself that way, but it’s okay that you do.”

“I wish this didn’t feel painful for you but I stand by my choice.”

“I understand that you see me (or what was said/done) this way but I don’t.”

“I know you think I”m ____, but I know who I am.”
It’s also okay to say absolutely nothing in response! Just don’t defend yourself or fight back. Both reactions drain you and invite the next #narcattack. 

After diffusing the narcattack, take some time to process your feelings. Share them with a friend, coach or support group. Journal. Breathe. Be there for you.
Just don’t expect your narcissist to be there for you – they can’t. 

For more on narcattacks and the next tip, subscribe to the blog, follow @Stop Dating Narcissists on Instagram and Facebook and check out my last post:

5 Ways To Identify A Narcissist

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