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You’ve found one of the original posts from Love Without Traffic, a blog that unexpectedly evolved into The Relationship Ride and several projects that followed.
While this site remains home to years of writing and adventures, most of my current work now lives at NancyKoenig.com.
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I’m glad you found your way here.
— Nancy
People who stay in narcissistically abusive relationships often accept less than they want or deserve in other areas of their lives as well. Tolerating the unacceptable, as defined by the individual, is a tendency that can show up with jobs, environments and much more.
This awareness had been circling for quite some time, but finally landed when I returned to a beautiful rental I’d enjoyed so much a few months prior. It looked, sounded and felt like a very different place than the one I’d loved so much when I’d stayed there earlier that year. An abundance of challenges, including a horrific bug infestation, begged me to leave upon arrival.
But the people who had rented the place felt like friends, and they’d given me a great deal on the rate. I didn’t want to leave them hanging.* Then there was that beautiful beach right across the street to consider, one of the prettiest I’d experienced in Florida, and the ability to listen to crashing waves from a screened-in lanai.
Forcing myself to focus on the blessings, and tolerate the abudance of very stressful issues, was no different than focusing on the positive aspects of an abusive partner. Sure, those traits exist. Likely, that’s why we were drawn to those people, environments and situations in the first place. But that doesn’t mean we have to stay with them – or in them, as was the case with the rental – if things go toxic.
Pretzaling myself around whatever showed up in my life was a bad habit I’d carried over from relationships. Yes, it can be a great spiritual practice and tool for personal growth to allow people – and environments – to be exactly as they are. And, if a person or place is having a very negative impact upon us, then it’s time to take a look at our tendency to stay.
“I would have turned around that first day and demanded a refund,” said friends who I’d only told about the bugs. That was only one of several issues I’d been trying to be okay with at the rental.
Unlike some life lessons, who we date and where we stay are usually optional. When we are at choice, sometimes the lesson is loving ourselves enough to leave, trusting that those we are “letting down” in the process may need that for their own highest good in ways we can’t see.
I don’t believe the people who rented me the place knew how bad the issues there had become, since it was a vacation rental they managed from afar. If they did know, that’s their choice to explore. I’m only responsible for my own decisions. And if I don’t make ones that serve me, I can’t really show up to serve others, either.
All the time and energy I devoted to trying to be okay with the rental, and trying to make the rental okay for me, was time and energy subtracted from writing, publishing and supporting clients. Leaving the home for as much of the day as I could, and spending hours on the beach to decompress from all the stress experienced there, defeated the purpose of renting it in the first place. I’d rented it because it seemed like a perfect place to focus on my mission.
It took one of the bugs finding its way into my actual bed – no symbolism lost there – and the first full-on PTSD flareup I’d exerienced in years for me to finally cry uncle. When I did, I asked for a full refund which, credit to the people who rented it to me, granted. I know, due to the other situations that occurred there which I am not writing about, I could have taken them to small claims court and won the maximum awarded by the state of Florida.
Fortunately for all of us, I’m not the suing type.
But I am the type to release people, environments and situations that feel toxic for me. Thanks to my experience with the bug apocalypse, I no longer wait until it’s that uncomfortable to do so.
Another incredible lesson I learned from that particular rental was to always listen to my intuition, and not my mind. The latter could list many reasons to return to that home, one which I’d loved so much when I’d left and had been excited to return to. But I had a very tight and contracted feeling in my body when I went to make the payment, which I had ignored.
This lesson helped me make different choices when I felt that way in the future. I’m share a more recent example in my next post.
Clear Your Traffic:
*Anytime you find yourself thinking or saying that you don’t want to leave someone hanging, or something to that effect, pause to ask yourself this very important question:
If you don’t leave them hanging, are you leaving yourself hanging instead? It’s wonderful to care about the feelings and wellbeing of others, but it doesn’t serve you or anyone else when doing so is at your own expense.
Are there any situations you are choosing to remain in, even though they are draining you of your lifeforce?
If so, do you truly feel like you are growing through that choice, or are you just suffering and settling for much less than you want and deserve?