Tag: stop dating narcissists (Page 1 of 4)

Red Flags and Reptiles

The codependent tendency to tolerate the unacceptable doesn’t just lock us into narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships, but also an abundance of situations. This post, which I wrote but forgot to post last year, takes a more playful look at how to recognize, and act upon, red flags.

I pull up to the gate of Blue Springs State Park, equal parts excited and frightened about staying at one of their cabins for a couple of nights. It’s one of Florida’s more crowded springs, but it’s a beautiful and magical place where you can see an abundance of manatees, kayak, canoe, swim and even scuba dive, dependening on what time of the year it is. I’ve been here several times, but this is going to be my first stay.

I re-enact the expression of concerns shared with the park ranger by phone that morning. I state I’m not in a “roughing it” headspace right now and reiterate that I am grieving. I even reshare the details, which most people respond to with compassion and condolences. 

“I think you’ll be fine,” she says.

I foolishly choose to ignore the red flag that her response waves. I don’t understand people who flat-out ignore grief reports. And if I don’t understand them, chances are they don’t understand me well enough to accurately predict my wellbeing at their cabin. 

But onward I drive, toward the beautiful springs, turning left at the sign for the cabins as instructed. Since Cabin #2 is the only one that’s numbered, it’s a guessing game as to whether mine, #3, is the next one, or across the street. I’m hoping I’ve guessed incorrectly as I walk into the screened-in porch, which features gaping holes and a big enough gap underneath the door to grant a small raccoon access. 

I cringe as the key turns, and that’s only a sneak preview for my heebie jeebies. I was told I could check-in early; I assumed that meant the cabin would be clean upon arrival. I run back out as a cart with two employees happens to drive by. I don’t say anything, verbally, but my expression speaks volumes.

“Do you need help with something?” the observant woman of the duo asks.

She confirms I am, indeed, at number Cabin #3. I inform her the cabin hasn’t been cleaned. She looks down at a list.

“We don’t have this one down for cleaning until Monday,” she says.

Oh okay; I’ll just take it as is, then.

“But I booked it for today.”

“We can clean it now if you’d like.”

“This wasn’t really the first impression I was hoping for. I’m not sure I want to stay.”

I tell her about the reviews I stumbled upon this morning, which were not on the site where I booked. Due to human diversity, we’re all going to have different experiences of the same places, so I took the negative ones with a grain of salt. But mosquitos coming out of the drain and spokes poking into your back from the mattress seem like universal unpleasantries. 

“Well you’ll definitely see mosquitoes, and some lizards,” she says, matter of factly. 

Come again?

“In the screened porch? Or in the actual cabin?”

“Oh, they’ll be inside.” 

“Lizards?” 

I don’t need TV. I can live without WiFi as long as I can access the book I’m getting set to publish offline. I love nature and am okay with rustic, as long as it’s clean and comfortable.

But I draw a hard line at lizards. 

“You are camping in the woods,” she says, as if indoor reptiles should be expected. 

I bite the tongue that wants to state that I’m not camping, which would involve my lizard-proof tent. Instead, I dial the park office and share my experience. I don’t mention that I can stay in a nice hotel for less money than this cabin. But this isn’t really about money; it’s about my unwillingness to share my bed with reptiles. 

“I don’t think you’ll see an abundance of mosquitoes or lizards,” she says.

Am I being Pun’ked here? 

“I’m not okay with seeing any lizards indoors,” I respond.

She tells me she will give me a refund if I decide to leave. I can tell she doesn’t want me to make this choice, and part of me doesn’t either. I loved the idea of writing in the woods for a few days. I pause to consider the offer, somehow completely unaware of the pattern that has shown up for review. The signs are blinking as brightly and blatantly as Time Square, but I am wearing my “work with what shows up” blinders. 

I go back in and sit on the bare mattress, which is as hard as the actual floor. The toilet makes a very loud noise on its own, as if to say, “Do you really need more?” 

It finally hits me. I’m getting an opportunity to practice what I teach. And remember that my days of voluntarily tolerating the unacceptable are officially over, and not only in relationships. 

I love to show up and do the inner work, but sometimes, that work is simply blessing a person or situation with love and leaving. Especially when the way out couldn’t be easier!

I accept the refund offer, minus the entrance fee to enjoy the day at the beautiful park, where I raise my vibration and focus on the accomondations I want to create. I am then led to a community I’ve never been, where I learn about a last minute cancellation offer at a condo hotel. I am stunned to learn that my $75 per night apartment is not only clean and adorable, but is right on the water, complete with an oceanfront terrace. 

It is completely devoid of lizards.

Clear Your Traffic:

~In what areas of your life are you settling for less than you want and deserve?
~What signs and red flags have you noticed? Have you acted accordingly?
~Why or why not?
~What do you want to experience and feel in these areas of life? 

Novel News:

Love Without Traffic received an exciting endorsement last week! Like the book itself, the cover is ever-evolving, and I’ll reveal the third and final cover soon. In the meantime, I’d love your feedback on this one. Does it catch your eye? What do you like about it and what would you improve? Reach out below for your chance to win a (full length 1×1) complimentary coaching session. I will be gifting one session per week. Fill out the form below or DM Love Without Traffic through Facebook or Instagram.

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Tolerating Tendencies

People who stay in narcissistically abusive relationships often accept less than they want or deserve in other areas of their lives as well. Tolerating the unacceptable, as defined by the individual, is a tendency that can show up with jobs, environments and much more.

This awareness had been circling for quite some time, but finally landed when I returned to a beautiful rental I’d enjoyed so much a few months prior. It looked, sounded and felt like a very different place than the one I’d loved so much when I’d stayed there earlier that year. An abundance of challenges, including a horrific bug infestation, begged me to leave upon arrival. 

But the people who had rented the place felt like friends, and they’d given me a great deal on the rate. I didn’t want to leave them hanging.* Then there was that beautiful beach right across the street to consider, one of the prettiest I’d experienced in Florida, and the ability to listen to crashing waves from a screened-in lanai.

Forcing myself to focus on the blessings, and tolerate the abudance of very stressful issues, was no different than focusing on the positive aspects of an abusive partner. Sure, those traits exist. Likely, that’s why we were drawn to those people, environments and situations in the first place. But that doesn’t mean we have to stay with them – or in them, as was the case with the rental – if things go toxic. 

Pretzaling myself around whatever showed up in my life was a bad habit I’d carried over from relationships. Yes, it can be a great spiritual practice and tool for personal growth to allow people – and environments – to be exactly as they are. And, if a person or place is having a very negative impact upon us, then it’s time to take a look at our tendency to stay.

“I would have turned around that first day and demanded a refund,” said friends who I’d only told about the bugs. That was only one of several issues I’d been trying to be okay with at the rental. 

Unlike some life lessons, who we date and where we stay are usually optional. When we are at choice, sometimes the lesson is loving ourselves enough to leave, trusting that those we are “letting down” in the process may need that for their own highest good in ways we can’t see.

I don’t believe the people who rented me the place knew how bad the issues there had become, since it was a vacation rental they managed from afar. If they did know, that’s their choice to explore. I’m only responsible for my own decisions. And if I don’t make ones that serve me, I can’t really show up to serve others, either. 

All the time and energy I devoted to trying to be okay with the rental, and trying to make the rental okay for me, was time and energy subtracted from writing, publishing and supporting clients. Leaving the home for as much of the day as I could, and spending hours on the beach to decompress from all the stress experienced there, defeated the purpose of renting it in the first place. I’d rented it because it seemed like a perfect place to focus on my mission. 

It took one of the bugs finding its way into my actual bed – no symbolism lost there – and the first full-on PTSD flareup I’d exerienced in years for me to finally cry uncle. When I did, I asked for a full refund which, credit to the people who rented it to me, granted. I know, due to the other situations that occurred there which I am not writing about, I could have taken them to small claims court and won the maximum awarded by the state of Florida. 

Fortunately for all of us, I’m not the suing type. 

But I am the type to release people, environments and situations that feel toxic for me. Thanks to my experience with the bug apocalypse, I no longer wait until it’s that uncomfortable to do so.

Another incredible lesson I learned from that particular rental was to always listen to my intuition, and not my mind. The latter could list many reasons to return to that home, one which I’d loved so much when I’d left and had been excited to return to. But I had a very tight and contracted feeling in my body when I went to make the payment, which I had ignored. 

This lesson helped me make different choices when I felt that way in the future. I’m share a more recent example in my next post.

Clear Your Traffic: 

*Anytime you find yourself thinking or saying that you don’t want to leave someone hanging, or something to that effect, pause to ask yourself this very important question:

If you don’t leave them hanging, are you leaving yourself hanging instead? It’s wonderful to care about the feelings and wellbeing of others, but it doesn’t serve you or anyone else when doing so is at your own expense. 

Are there any situations you are choosing to remain in, even though they are draining you of your lifeforce?

If so, do you truly feel like you are growing through that choice, or are you just suffering and settling for much less than you want and deserve?

Novel Update: It’s been a long and winding road, but the novel will finally, and at the exact right time for all of us, be launched late this winter. I could have published the book years ago, when I’d planned. It would have entertained readers, but it couldn’t have provided the impact it is now prepared to – and neither could I have.

I thought I knew a lot about the themes the book traversed back then, such as relationship challenges, substance abuse and grief. I thought I could help people with them, through my writing. And, I’m sure that I could have, to some extent. But I am so grateful I waited until I got the life equivalent of my doctorate degree in all of these topics and more, including narcissistic abuse, a theme I later added to the novel.

I’m shooting for March 8th – International Women’s Day. I contemplated Valentine’s Day, but Vienna, my protogonist, protested. I’ve learned how to listen to her.

I’ll be gifting complimentary coaching sessions to my launch team. Get in touch if you’d like to be part of it! Contact me through the form below or through Instagram or Facebook.

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