Tag: emotional intelligence

The Truth About Control

May 12, 2024 /

The truth about control is widely misunderstood. When fear or any of its tributaries like concern, worry, hurt, and judgment have us, we don’t often jump to “how can I get in there with these uncomfortable emotions and experience them in my body?”

Instead of doing what actually works, we unconsciously try to change others so we can feel more comfortable. Then we get angry and resentful when they do this with us.

When we try to change how others think, speak, and behave, we are making an unconscious attempt to feel a sense of safety we don’t otherwise know how to experience.  Others are doing the exact same with us, but we are much more likely to be aware of their “control issues” than our own.

We think our emotional discomfort is due to “them” and give our power away until someday, things get painful enough to explore the reasons we feel so victimized. No matter who the villain is in our current story, the roots of these uncomfortable feelings date back to childhood.

If we explore those roots through traditional methods like psychotherapy, we may get good at understanding some of the whys, but we can only actually change these patterns through our bodies, which are storing the unresolved emotions.

The Roots of Rebellion

The truth about control, and our misperceptions of such, came onto my mental radar while hiking waterfalls today.

I have a vivid childhood memory of scaring the bejesus out of my mom while standing too close to the edge of one. It was rather symbolic of our relationship as I never stopped being an adventurer and she never stopped worrying about me.

My mom was never exposed to the emotional education I have been blessed with and did not know how to do anything else with her fear than allow it to control her – and therefore control me, when I was young enough for that option.

When I hit my teens, the more my mom worried and attempted to stop me from being me, the more rejected and stifled I felt, and the more I rebelled. I didn’t understand projection or our personality and communication differences, let alone the dynamics that were playing out. I had no other way to perceive her fears and the various ways she expressed them than as attempts to control me. I had the spirit of a wild stallion so that didn’t go very well for either of us.

I internalized her criticisms, which were about her relationship with herself, not me, but nevertheless wrecked my self-esteem for many years. I missed the countless ways she showed me she loved me and believed in me.

When I was in high school, no one could have predicted that my mom would one day be my closest ally, least of all me. I appreciated her efforts to keep me alive much more as I got older, when I was better able of viewing her concern as a form of love, and not control. We were one another’s greatest teachers in so many ways and when we learned to embrace out differences, a beautiful friendship emerged.

I learned the truth about control, and how to be me, despite what someone else wanted me to be for their own sense of security. I became the me that I wouldn’t be if she hadn’t been my mom, and I hadn’t so desperately strived for her approval and validation. She could not grant me either, because she couldn’t give them to herself.  The only person who can give us the approval and validation we crave, and permission to be unapologetically ourselves is us!

We didn’t learn this – or other important life navigation concepts that every human would benefit from – in school, because we were too busy memorizing information that only future historians and mathematicians would need. (Or, like me, we figured out early that we’d get a better education from life and cut school regularly to explore New York City.)

As a result, we may to this very day remember battle dates we learned in elementary school, but don’t know how to embody our emotions or express them without blame and hostility.

Most people don’t even realize they are at war with themselves, not others. If they do understand, they’re not at all sure how to bring about a ceasefire.

Thanks Mom! (And Dad!)

I’m extremely grateful my mom and dad gave me, among countless other blessings, an intense desire to cultivate a more loving relationship with myself. I wouldn’t have learned that any other way than to have first struggled with it! If I hadn’t endured such a harsh relationship with myself for so long, I wouldn’t now be teaching readers and coaching clients how be in harmony with themselves, others, and their pasts, right here in the now that we live in.

I think of my mom, and feel her love, every time I wander too close to the edge of a waterfall – or anything else I can’t resist exploring. Since she is enjoying life after life without her personality’s sense of chronic concern, I can usually imagine her smiling and cheering me on. She frequently sends an abundance of clear signs that she’s with me, and I am always incredibly grateful to receive them.
Today, as I meandered closer toward a waterfall on a path that was wild and slippery after several days of rain, I felt a rare sense of “no.” It was just before Mother’s Day, and I knew my mom was urging me to turn around. I listened.

Because I turned around when I did, I met five delightful people, two groups which had recently crossed paths. These instant friends invited me into their beautiful conversation about nature, blue zones, healthy eating and living, and not living so habitually on technology. One of them, who recently graduated college, was the only one in his school without a laptop. He wrote an entire movie script by hand! His sister is a musician. I can’t wait to experience their crafts because present people create magic.

We marveled at how most people don’t pause their hikes to connect with “strangers.” If we were most people, we wouldn’t now be friends.
As much as I have loved blogging and posting about the retreat and engaging in other creative projects this week, I am so glad I opted to get out in nature and live in the glorious moment today.
Thanks for all the nudges today, Mom! I miss and love you being here in the physical beyond words, but I deeply appreciate you letting me know so regularly that you’re with me in presence and love.

Happy Mother’s Day to you and all the loving mama bears out there, as well as those who are celebrating and/or missing their moms. If you fall into that last category, place your hands over your heart, take a deep breath into your belly and allow yourself to feel her love. ????Previous post: Dr. Sue Morter’s Retreat (Part One) ~ LOVE WITHOUT TRAFFIC

Give Your Fear A Voice

April 2, 2020 /

There are many ways to release fear, anxiety and stress, and I will introduce you to the best I know. But first, it’s important to experience your emotions, even the unpleasant ones. Feeling your feelings is essential for your well-being, especially during a time like this. 

Unless this is something you’ve already learned and mastered, this might sound pretty preposterous. After all, we’ve been trained by society to avoid our uncomfortable emotions at all costs. Why would we want to actually feel them?

Well, for starters, they get more powerful when we don’t stop to acknowledge them. These emotions are trying to get our attention for a reason, and when they fail, they try harder.

Unless fueled by our often meaningless thoughts, particularly ones about the past and future, our emotions are usually quite intelligent. Fear can prevent us from doing something that would put us at risk for harm. Anger can propel us into action we wouldn’t otherwise take, like leaving an abusive relationship. Sadness can help us move through grief, instead of lodging it in our bodies. Regret can help us make better choices in the future. 

When acknowledged, our more negatively-based feelings can teach us what they’re meant to and move through us, the same way positive emotions do. The difference is that we tend to either shut the negative ones down, which makes them grow more powerful underneath the surface, or we feed them with our thoughts. 

When we feel appreciation, we don’t usually think much about it and we certainly don’t try to escape it. We don’t wonder why we feel appreciative; we simply experience it. It’s a feeling that moves through us. Four minutes later, we may have forgotten we felt it. But four minutes, days and even decades after something triggers anger, we may be even angrier, due to all the thoughts we collected about the incident. Thoughts that are often not even true.

The same goes for fear. Unlike anger, which is generally about something that occurred in the past, fear is about something in the future. Unless a hungry lion is staring you in the eyes and assessing your prey-potential, your fear is not about your present moment.

If you don’t stop to feel your feelings, like fear, they will get more powerful. Fear-based thoughts don’t like to practice social distancing. They usually invite a lot of friends to the party. Before you know it, you are spinning out about a worst case scenario that will hopefully never even come remotely close to passing.

That’s when fear turns into emotional congestion. What can you do?

Clear Your Traffic:

When you notice you feel fear, you can pause to explore it. Ask yourself what you were just thinking, and challenge your thoughts.

Maybe you’re concerned you are going to lose your job. That’s a rational and understandable fear in today’s world. If you catch that line of thinking early enough, you can question whether you have substantial evidence for this fear. Even if you do, while the fear is mild, you can be compassionate and encouraging with yourself. You’ll find another job. One you’ll like even better.

Maybe you’ll get back in touch with your passions and a dream you’ve had on hold all these years. Now might be your chance to actualize it!

If you don’t catch the fear in it’s early stages, more fear-based thoughts will join the originals. Before long, you’re not only mildly afraid you’ll lose your job, but panic stricken about a long list of even worse circumstances, based on just that one that hasn’t even happened. The more logs you throw on the fire of fear, the more quickly you’ll burn away your peace. What if you can’t stop thinking?


Another great way to get to know your fear is to actually feel it. Where is it in your body? Is it in your gut? Your chest? Your neck and shoulders? When you locate it, take some deep breaths into your belly and imagine sending the oxygen to that area. If you’ve heard the phrase “breathe into your fear” and wondered what that meant, this is the gist.

Ask your fear what message it has for you. Whether legitimate or irrational, it is trying to protect you from something. 

Is there something you can do about in the present moment? If so, taking action might help you feel better. There are often many things you can do to help yourself feel safer. When there aren’t, there are other ways to release your fear.

I’ll start sharing them soon. 

Reach out if you’d like support. 

With love,
Nancy 

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